The Bible uses different words for “love,” and each of them applies to marriage:
The Greek word “agapao” refers to a mental attitude of esteem, free of ill will, sacrificially seeking the welfare of the object of our love. It’s above an emotional love. This is the kind of love, first and foremost, that God has for us. In Ephesians 5:25, a husband is told to love his wife. He is to have a mental attitude free of ill will toward her. This is the love that causes a husband to want to pursue good things for his wife–to make sacrifices for his wife even at his own expense.
The Greek word “eros” is the sensual love that a husband has for his wife which is expressed in physical ways. This is a very private matter for each couple, but also a crucial part of marriage. A husband can most effectively express this kind of love if he first has the “agapao” type of love for his wife. However, of course, “eros” requires that the couple is physically together.
The Greek word “phileo” used in the New Testament speaks of emotional attachment. It’s an unreasoning emotional expression, or friendship. Here’s a good example of this kind of friendship: Every night when I come home, I drive into the driveway and raise the garage door. As the store starts to come up, I’m in eager anticipation to see if my wife’s car is there yet. If her car is not yet there, I’m disappointed. However, if I see that her car is already there, I feel a sense of relief because I’m longing to see her due to our deep emotional attachment. Then it’s even better if she’s waiting at the back door to see me.
Sometimes these emotions lead to a physical rendezvous–a kiss, or something more–and sometimes they don’t. A wise man once told me, “Most of marriage is spent at arm’s length.” However, whether we’re physically together or not, the mental love and the emotional love are there all the time.