How Depression Thinks

Depression causes one to dwell on negative things.  I recently watched the movie The Judge with Robert Downey, Jr. and Robert Duvall.  Throughout the movie, thoughts ran through my head reminding me of my depression.  These thoughts were not due to the story being told and its content–rather, just due to a situation or a sentence here or there.  Depression even prevents one from taking a couple of hours off from his depression to enjoy a good movie.

Robert Duvall’s character was a judge who had sat on the bench for 42 years.  When I was young, one of my primary goals was to keep a job for a lifetime; i.e., to be able to stay on the same job for 30 or more years, and then to retire from that job with a full pension.  I failed in that goal.  So, when I learned that this judge had kept his job for 42 years, I compared myself to him, and I failed in comparison.

Robert Downey, Jr.’s character was a lawyer who had finished first in his class at law school.  I thought that I could have been a successful lawyer, but I couldn’t even finish as the top of my high school class, so there’s another failure.

Another character, Glen, had high prospects of being a professional baseball pitcher until he had an accident that destroyed those hopes.  At several places in the movie, they mentioned that he could have been so good, and that he had to settle for running his own tire store.  So, to me that says there are three kinds of people:  stars; entrepreneurs that own their own business; then, the rest of us losers.

I wonder if I could have been an actor.  I did some acting in high school plays.  Maybe I could have developed my skills and become an Academy Award winner.  No, I probably would have just failed at that too.

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